His butler, regretting
by Sweet L
Summary: Ciel, tired of Sebastian's change of behavior after he became a demon, decided to disappear from his life, leaving him filled with doubts and regrets. Yaoi. SebastianXCiel.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: My second Kuroshitsutji fanfic. For some reason I can't get enough of this pairing, oh the addiction. Sorry for possible many grammar errors, English isn't my first language. And the characters are OOC. Please read, and if you like it leave a review too. **

**Oh, before I forget. I don't own Kuroshitsuji, if I did Sebastian and Ciel would be together and I would turn the manga into the paradise for fangirls.**

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"_Sebastian…what do you think about this?"_

"_What do I think about what?"_

"_About everything that happened. About living eternity like this…living eternity with me."_

"_Living eternity like this…it's a curse. A curse that I have no way out."_

I close my eyes, remembering the talk I had with the young master last night, and I feel regret taking over me one more time. It's been like this ever since _that_ happened, ever since young master has become a demon. Every time we talked about what happened I would end up being too harsh on him, saying things that I would regret saying as soon as the words left my mouth, empty words that I didn't mean. But I couldn't stop myself from saying them.

I'm confused and frustrated. Things went completely different from what I've planned, and I don't know how to deal with the whole situation. The young master becoming a demon, me being bounded to him for all eternity, my hunger rising day after day. But all of this was far from being my biggest problem. Somehow I've developed feelings for the young master, feelings that I don't know what they are. I've never felt anything like this before; I don't know how to deal with this. How would I anyway? As far as I remember, I've never felt any human emotions before. At least not this kind of emotion.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what would be his reaction if I told him about this. Not that I would ever tell him, my pride would never let me admit out loud that I'm attached to him. This would turn me in the latest joke in all hell, and I know very well that these feelings would never be replied, so I've decided to keep them to myself. It's for the best, after all, demons aren't supposed to love.

I open my eyes as I start walking to young master's room, trying to take these thoughts out of my head, but failing miserably. As I stop in front of the door, I start to remember everything that happened yesterday once again. He wasn't at his normal self; I could tell that something was troubling him. All of sudden he started to ask questions, questions that I didn't wanted to answer. But I did. And before I knew it there I was again, saying things I didn't meant to say. His expression remained cold as always, but when I looked in his eyes I could swear I have seen a spark of sadness in them. I could swear that when I closed the door behind me, I could hear a silent sob coming from the other room. And I immediately regretted everything I had said. I wanted to apologize to him, but I didn't found the courage to face him again. Who would have thought that I was such a coward?

But if I didn't do it yesterday, I'll do it now. This time I will apologize to him. I have to, if I want to have some peace of mind.

"Excuse me, young master…" I say, as I open the door. It's past time for him to wake up.

I look inside the room, but for my surprise he isn't at his bed. Actually, he is nowhere to be seen. I look at my side and only then I notice that the window is half open. At first I thought that he had been kidnapped again, but soon I've dismissed these thoughts. He's not human anymore; I doubt that he would allow himself to be kidnapped so easily. Taking a look into his room I notice that there's a piece of paper in his bed. I take it in my hands and open it. I'm surprised to see what it is. It's a letter, a letter addressed to me. I know that it was him who had written it, I recognize this handwriting too well. But why would he write a letter to me? I sit at the side of the bed, as I start to read it.

_Sebastian_

_I think the time has come, the time to say goodbye to you. I've never wanted this moment to come, I wish I could be by your side forever, but after what you've said yesterday, I realized that this would never be possible, and you would never want the same. And I do not want to force you to stay with me against your will. So I've decided to leave._

_I know you must be frustrated, me becoming a demon, you being bounded to spend eternity with someone like me, a brat, someone that only caused you trouble. But I was happy that thing turned out like this, I would be able to spend eternity with you. But your disgusted glances, your harsh words, everything took this happiness away from me. And I've realized that for you I'm really nothing more than a burden, a curse, as you said. But its fine, I understand, you are a demon, you were only my butler because of my soul, it was foolish of me to expect that I would ever be more than this to you. It was foolish of me to think that you really cared and worried for me when it was so obvious you didn't. But I do not blame you, it's my entire fault that I'm feeling like this, I was the one that was foolish enough to fall in love with you. _

_But enough of this, I won't bother you anymore. I've decided to give you one last thing before I'm gone, the thing you wanted most, freedom. You don't have to serve me anymore, you are free. I hope this makes you happy, this is the last and only thing I could do for you. It's my thank you for serving me all this time._

_I'll miss you, the old you. The one that cared for me, that would protect me whenever I was in danger, that would comfort me whenever I had nightmares. I'll miss your smiles, your voice, the sweets you usually would make, your patience with me, even your jokes and teases. Even if it was all a lie, I'll miss it. I'll take these memories with me forever, I'll never forget you. And I'll always love you._

_Goodbye._

_-Ciel Phantomhive_

I keep looking at the letter, too surprised to do anything else. I can't believe in the things I've just read. _How could this be? _I read the letter all over again, to make sure that my mind isn't playing tricks on me. And that wasn't the case; it was all there, written word by word. And soon my mind that was in blanc started to be filled with questions, questions I couldn't find the answers to. Specifically one question was plaguing my mind. _He loves me? _I could never, ever imagine that he would harbor these kinds of feelings for me. I couldn't find any reason for him to do so. I'm a demon, someone that was serving him only to get his soul at the end, only because of the contract we have made. At least that was what I've wanted him to believe. But deep inside I knew that nothing was because of the contract.

"The contract…."

I take out my glove, only to see that the symbol of our contract was gone. He really was serious when he said that he would set me free. I'm really free now, I should be happy with this, I've always thought that this was what I've wanted. I thought that I would have at least a little of peace if I was away from him, that I would be able to forget these feelings I have for him. But now, after all this, now that he's gone, now that I know how he really feels about me, I realize that this would never happen. In the place of the happiness that I should be feeling there was other feelings suffocating me. Sadness, regret, worry, longing. Then I start to think in the things I've been saying to him, in the way I've been treating him, and I feel regret taking over me once again.

He was wrong, I've never lied, I've never did all those things for obligation, or because I wanted his soul. I did everything I did because, even if I didn't want to admit, I cared for him, because I've always worried about his well being. Because I've loved him, even if I would never show that I did, even if I was too prideful to admit it out loud, and too sure that these feelings would never be replied. Now I know that they would, and I'm filled with regret. I only I knew… maybe things might have gone different, and nothing of this would have happened. _How could I have been so wrong?_

I'm still confused, but I'm sure of something, I don't want things to end like this. I can't stand not even thinking that everything will end like this and that I'll never be able to see him again, that I'll never be able to fix this situation, to apologize to him for the things I've done. That I'll never be able to show to him how I truly feel about him.

I have to find him.

I've started to look for him everywhere, starting by the surroundings. The ink in the letter was still fresh, he couldn't be too far away, still I couldn't feel his presence anywhere. I've asked everyone in the mansion if they had seen young master somewhere, if they had any idea of where he might be, but they also had no clue to where he was. I ended up making them worried, and this surely wouldn't make the situation any better. They have offered their help to find him, but I couldn't accept it. It was I who had to do this; it was I that had to find him. After all, it's my fault that all of this is happening.

I leave the mansion to look for him. I would look everywhere, all the world if I had to. I have to find him, there's too much things we have to talk about. Too many things that I have to say to him. .

_Young master…I do not know where you have gone to, but I'll find you, and when I do, I'll never let you go again._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Chapter 2! I hope you all like it. ^^ Sorry for possible grammar mistakes, and most importantly, thank you so much for the reviews and favs, they give me motivation to keep writing. **

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It's been a long time I've been wandering around in this world. Wandering around without direction, without a place to go. But it doesn't really matter anymore. I can go to any place in the world, nothing will ever change. Nothing will take this pain away from my chest; nothing will make me forget these memories that still plague my mind. Nothing can change my fate, this cursed fate I'm bounded to.

_Cursed fate…_ I laugh at my thought. And to think that not too long ago I thought that this life was a blessing. It's funny how things can change so much in such a short time. It's even funnier how things can change so much because of only one person.

_Sebastian…_Everything changed ever since he came into my life. I'll never forget that day, when we made that contract; somehow it made me feel like I had gained a new life, even if it wasn't a good or happy one. I had a chance to keep on living, a chance to get my revenge against the ones who humiliated me. I didn't cared if he would take my soul after it, I didn't cared if I was going to hell, as long as my wish was granted.

But time passed and my thoughts started to change. I've started to have feelings for the one person that I should never have feelings for. At first I couldn't understand what was going on, but after some time I've realized that the worse thing that could ever happen came true. I, Ciel Phantomhive, the proud boy that that claimed not being able to feel any human emotion but hatred, was in love with the last person I should fall in love with. My butler, the demon that I've made a contract with. I've started to forget about my revenge. Before I knew it I've found myself wishing that I would never attain it, so I could live on. Live on and be able to spend the rest of my life with him. Even if my feelings would never be replied, it was fine, I would keep them inside, just being with him would be good enough.

But in the end things got as they were planed to, and I've finally got my revenge. I should've been happy that my wish was granted, but it was the other way around. I was sad, I didn't wanted to go, I didn't wanted to get myself separated from him, not yet. But I had to fulfill my part of the contract; I had to give to him what he worked so hard for, I had to give him my soul. But it was okay; maybe if he devoured my soul we would still be connected, maybe I still would be able to be with him somehow. But things didn't go as he planned, and he wasn't able to get my soul. Someone stole it before he could.

He got my soul back but he couldn't consume it anymore. And the last thing that I, and I'm sure he too, expected happened, I was transformed into a demon. In the end, I had what I've wished so much for. I was granted with eternal life, and now the contract that would end as soon as he got my soul would be eternal. I was happy, this was what I've wanted, but of course he wouldn't share the same feeling as me. And just having to look at his displeased face every single day, having to see all the disgusted looks and hear all the harsh words he would say to me, it made my happiness disappear in a blink of an eye. Time passed and it made me realize that it was better if I let go of this life, and let go of him. Even if this hurted more than anything. One night I've gathered all the courage I had, and left that place, the place I've called home. Leaving him, my wishes, my heart behind, giving up of what I've wanted the most to grant him his wish. I've broken the contract and gave him back his so precious freedom. I guess it true what I've listened one time, that when you love someone you're able to throw everything away for it, even the things you wish the most.

I open my eyes, changing my mind back to the present. I've been trying so hard to forget him, to forget everything that happened, but it's so hard. It's amazing how he can take my peace away even when he's not around. And this isn't the only thing he took away from me, I feel like I've lost my will to keep living after I've left, after I've separated myself from him. I've thought that distancing myself from him would make me feel better, that it would make this feelings I have for him disappear, and I would finally have at least a little of peace, but I was wrong. I feel this pain in my chest growing day after day, and the more I try to forget him the more it makes me think about him. The more I try to take him away from my life, the more he is part of it.

I wonder what he must be thinking of all this. He's probably laughing of me, laughing of how pathetic I am for falling in love with him, a demon, and for setting him free from the contract for love. But I don't blame him; I guess this is really laughable. And it doesn't really matter anymore, since I'll never see him again. I feel my chest tight at this thought. I can deny all I want, but this hurts more than anything. I miss him too much. I miss his presence, I miss the times when he was the first thing I've saw when I wake up, and the last thing I've saw when I fell asleep. I miss his smile, his voice, everything. I miss the times when I've believed that he really cared for me. It was sad that things ended the way they did, and that my illusions were shattered. He never really cared for me; he only did all he did because I still carried the soul he wanted so much. When I didn't had it anymore he didn't needed to lie anymore, he didn't needed to hide how he truly felt about me anymore. And it hurted to see that.

I wonder if anyone still remembers me, if they are still looking for me, or care with what happened to me. Well I doubt it, even if I don't really know for how much time I've gone from that place I know that it's been quite some time. They all must have forgotten me and moved on with their lives, while I'm standing here, not being able to move on because I can't let go of this memories, of this feelings that I, like it or not, still harbor for him. It's not that I haven't tried to do so, I've tried, I really did. I've changed my name, my appearance, everything I can think of. I thought that if I did that, if I lived a new life in a new place, I would be able to forget everything. But this isn't what happened. It only made things worse.

I wonder where he might be right now. I wonder if he still does remember me. Well, somehow I'm sure that he does, but not in the way I want him to remember me. He probably will remember me as the biggest burden in his existence, and will always regret making that contract with me. _Regret_…I do regret making that contract with him as well, but for a different reason. Sometimes I think it would be best if I had died that one day, and had never met him. I wouldn't fall in love with him, I wouldn't be feeling so lost like I am now, I wouldn't be feeling this pain in my chest that grows day after day. I wouldn't have to live feeling like this forever.

I wonder if he had already made a contract with another person. For some reason just thinking of this makes me jealous. Jealous of that person that will be able to be with him, to see him everyday, when I'll never be able to see him again. Being able to see his smiles, to hear his voice. I don't want him to make a contract with anyone else, I wanted him to be mine, only mine. I wanted to be the only one to see his smiles, even if they were fake ones. But I'm in no position to complain, it was me who let him go. Thinking about this kind of things only make me doubt of my decision. Sometimes I would feel a little of regret. Sometimes I just wanted to go home. But I know that even if I go back, I'll just find a empty place, he wouldn't be there anymore. It's too late now, even if I go back, I'll never see him again. _Never again._

I shake my head, trying to take these thoughts out of my mind. I can't feel like this, I've made the right decision, there's no reason to regret it. There's no reason to turn back now. I just have to keep on living, living hoping that someday I'll be able to forget everything and move on. Or to just keep living until the day that I decide that I can't take this anymore, and decide to put an end to this life.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Chapter 3, this one took me a long time to write, because I'm not having time to write. As always, sorry for possible grammar mistakes, I'm not very good at English. And again, thank you so much for the reviews, they make me happy and give me motivation to write more (in other words, if you like leave a review please ^^) **

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Once upon a time someone said something to me. This person said that we only give value to something when we don't have it anymore, when we lose it. Now I see how much this it truth, now I see that I've never gave value to the only thing I've ever cared about. My young master, my Ciel, the one and only person I've ever loved in all these countless years I've been alive. And now I regret this like I've never regretted anything before.

I've been wandering around in this world for quite some time now, looking for him in all the places I could imagine he would be, but I've found nothing. I couldn't understand why, even if the contract didn't existed anymore I thought that I could find him easily, but I was wrong, and this worried me. It made me thought that something might have happened to him. Even if he was a demon now, he still was fragile. And even if no human could do any harm to him, other beings could. Demons, for example. They might be attracted to him because not too long ago he was still human. And he, still without experience in being a demon, would be an easy prey for them, he wouldn't have a chance.

I shake my head, trying to take these thoughts out of my mind; I can't stand to think that something bad might have happened to him. Maybe I was just too weak even to do a simple thing like finding someone. I was hungry, and this had weakened me greatly, it's been a long time since the last time I've feed myself. But I don't even care about this anymore, I had no time to satisfy my hunger. I would starve if I had to. The only thing I care for now is finding him.

It's been days, months, even years since he disappeared, since got away from my life, but I still could remember him perfectly. His face, his voice, everything. It doesn't matter how much time had passed, my feelings for him were still the same, nothing changed. I still love him, and every single time I read the letter he left behind, every single time I read his confession to me, I find myself loving him even more.

_I'll never forget you. And I'll always love you. _

_I wonder if he really meant those words. I wonder if he still remembers me, if he still loves me like he said he would. If he still would be able to love me, even after all this time and even after all the things I've said and done to him. I really hope he does, I can't even think that it might be too late, and that I might have lost him forever. And this hope is what had moved me until now, and is what had brought me to this place._

_I look at the picture in the old newspaper in my hands, I remember first time I've saw it like it was yesterday. That person in the picture…even if he had a different name, even if he was a lot different from the last time I've saw him, I could recognize him very well. Those eyes I've loved so much, that face that I could never forget…it definitely was him. My Ciel. This was the first and only clue I've had about him, about his whereabouts in all these countless years that I have been searching for him. I remember the relieve that I've felt, I've always thought in the worse, that I didn't found him because something might have happened to him, but then I've realized that I was wrong. I remember the happiness that I've felt when I thought that I would finally be able to see him again. And above all, I remember the disappointment that I've felt when I've got here and just found an empty place, he was nowhere to be found, and the happiness that I was feeling disappeared in the matter of seconds. _

_But even if he wasn't around, it wasn't a waste of time coming here. Everything in this place told me that he really was here. The place was clean, as if someone was living here until not too long ago. _I've found clothes, that even if they were a lot different from what he used to wear, I could tell that they were his, they still smelled like him. On a table I've found one ring that I could recognize very well, and the fact that he still had it was the proof that he, just like me, couldn't let go of the past, and I've hoped, he couldn't let go of his feelings for me. But this wasn't the most important thing I've found. When I've looked at the floor I could see a couple of ripped pages of what seemed like a book. When I've took them in my hands I could see a very familiar handwriting. They weren't pages from a book; they were pages from a diary. Even if they were crumpled and in peaces they were still readable. And what I've read there made me lose the little of composure I've still had.

_It's hard to live as someone else. From this day on I'm not Ciel Phantomhive anymore. Maybe living like this, living a different life, can make me forget everything, and finally someday I'll be able to move on._

_Mirrors, I hate them. Everytime I look myself into them I try to see another person, but I still see the same person as before. The same Ciel Phantomhive, the boy who still have nightmares, the one that couldn't forget the past. The one that couldn't forget him, the one I was trying so hard to forget. It's pitiful._

_I've never wanted to mention him, his name again, but it's impossible. I just can't do it. I've even tried to live this fake life just to forget him, but now I see that this was a mistake. Sebastian…how can I ever forget him? How can I ever pretend that I didn't feel nothing for him anymore if he these feelings are still inside me? How can I pretend that I've forgot about him when I see his face in my dreams every single night? And every time I've woke up he was the one thing that my eyes would search for? The truth is, the more I try to forget him, the more I remember him. And I miss him even more than before._

_Today I've saw a boy accompanied by his butler. It reminded of me and him, of how things used to be. Now I see that life wasn't all bad when he was around. He was there to grant my wishes. He was there to stand by me when I had nightmares. He was there to smile at me, those smiles that somehow were so enchanting. He was there, and the fact that he was there with me was enough. Even if that life was a lie, I miss it. I miss it so much that I just wanted to give up of this life I'm living and go back home. But I know that if I do this he wouldn't be there anymore, there's no point in going back now._

_It's amazing how some things never change, no matter how much time passes. Even if I hate to admit, my feelings for him never changed, even after all this time. _

_Even after all this time, I still love him. But he…he'll never…_

This was the last thing I could read, not because the rest was unreadable, but because my vision had become too blurry for me to do so, the only thing I could see was small drops of water falling on the paper. I didn't need to look myself at a mirror to know that I was crying. Crying like a human would. I was a little surprised; I've never thought that I, being a demon, was able to shed tears. Still there I was, unable to stop the tears that were falling down from my eyes. Maybe if I was in another situation I would feel ashamed of myself for showing such weakness, for letting out these feeling that I wasn't even supposed to have, but given the situation I was I've found myself not caring. I've stopped to care ever since I've lost him, lost him for being too prideful, for not wanting to show him my feelings, my weakness. To think that I've had so many chances to do so, and wasted all of them…it only made my regret grow bigger.

But all this words I've read filled me with hope, now that I've knew that he never forgot me, that he still loved me, even after everything that happened. The hope that now that I was here, so close to find him, I would have a chance to tell him that I've loved him. I still had the hope that he would come back to this place, and we would finally have a chance to stand face to face again, after all this time. This hope was what kept me here, waiting for him, wondering how it would be if he did. Wondering what his reaction would be, what he would say or do, if he would listen to me, and give me a chance for me to apologize for the things I've said and done. If he would believe in my words even after I've lied to him I've said that I wouldn't. If he would forgive me and maybe, just maybe, would allow me to be part of his life once again. This time not because of a contract, but because of our feelings for each other.

Time passed so quickly, day passed in a blink of an eye, and even if there was no sign of him coming back I've stayed there, waiting.

And I've waited, and waited, and waited…

Waited for someone that never came back.


End file.
